Copyright © 2003 by Jim Hull
Mr. Suzanne Whull
Dear Mr. Whull:
TIME TO GIVE TO YOUR FAVORITE CHARITY,
THE SRI SWAMI SUCHABANANARAMA PROPAGANDA
ASHRAM, DUDE RANCH, FAT FARM,
AND DISCOUNT AUTO-RETREAD TIRE CENTER
This year, as always, the Ashram is in great need of several items (see suggestion list, below). But, unlike previous Gift Drives, this year's event promises something exceptional...
Our revered leader and spiritual guide, Swami Jimbo, has noticed of late that many charities are accepting old automobiles as donations. Some companies that service charities have even promised to forward the net proceeds to the charity of one's choice. Well, Swami has decided to do them one better: He'll promise, if you present a contribution of any kind to him, that he will donate ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE NET PROCEEDS to the SWAMI JIMBO ASHRAM!! Now, isn't that a lovely and selfless act during this holiday season? We think so, and we know you'll appreciate the thoughtfulness of Swami's gesture.
To that end, here is a list of suggested gifts that can be made in your name to the Swami Jimbo Ashram, where every donation is appreciated:
Please select any or all of the items below as your charitable contributions to the Ashram's Holiday Drive. Swami Jimbo will, of course, give first thought to the needs of the Ashram and its followers when considering which of the gifts to keep and which to give to other charities. (In our experience, he keeps everything, so rest assured that your gift will be appreciated!)
--BOOK: The Shelters of Stone by Jean Auel
--BOOK: A Field Guide to American Houses by Virginia McAlester and Lee McAlester (2000 ed.)
--BOOK: What Style Is It? by John C. Poppeliers, S. Allen Chambers, Nancy B. Schwartz
--BOOK: Isaac Newton by James Gleick
--BOOK: Rational Mysticism by John Horgan
--BOOK: The Nothing that Is: the Natural History of Zero by Robert Kaplan
--BOOK: A New Kind of Science by Stephen Wolfram
--POWERED SPEAKER (for Swami's keyboard performances; guests would no longer have to wear earphones, though they might still wish to wear earplugs)
--CASH: all denominations, including the new $20 bills, Lebanese pounds, two-party out-of-state checks with no I.D., bank of Somali cards, fresh produce, cigars, etc.)
--BEDSHEETS: full-sized, to replace the thinning strands that make up the old sheets.
--SHOES: L.L. Bean Comfort Mocs, any dark color, "Moc" or "Slide" versions, size 11, $29 (see attached catalog). Swami should walk around in bare feet, as befits a guru, but he has for too long dwelt in an urban environment and has become a tad spoiled. He promises to work on this as we promise to forgive him for his karmic peccadillos.
--NEW AUTOMOBILE: Swami's two superannuated vehicles ache for retirement.
--HEALTHY MOTHER: Swami's sainted mother has recently suffered the various pains and indignities of cancer therapy, and we at the Ashram wish her a complete recovery and long life. (Also, in this instance, Swami promises NOT to donate his mother to any other charity.)
SWAMI JIMBO ASHRAM
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